With the Chance of Loss

The past couple of weeks have been sort of rough.

In between class exams, class registration and leaving for Texas in the middle of the quarter, the Philippines madness, I have had some important family business going on.

I barely went to class these past few weeks.
I'm not even going to hide that.
I didn't go to class.
And I'm upset with myself about it.

But in all honesty, knowing you have family and friends who are in a state of emergency is more than alarming. It's terrifying, (not electrifying). And knowing there are many out there suffering from the wraths of mother nature only makes you think about how you can help. While I had to hear about family friends and members from here in the United States board planes not less than a day after Tacloban (Thaa - clo - bahn) was hit, I also had to hear about how they might not find who they are looking for.

And it makes me so sad.
It makes me re-evaluate what I have on my plate.
It makes me re-evaluate what I have in my hands.. what I have that others don't ... and how lucky and fortunate I am to be living here.

I am Filipino by descent (amongst other things)... and while I continuously am not proud of the way some of my people act, I do have a soft spot for the country my parents and family were raised in. I hear the stories of their childhood, and mine differ so drastically.

It's like the stories and memories are close to being lost.
And not only are their stories being lost, but so are those of my ancestors... and grandmothers... and grandfathers as their lives come to a closing from old ages and illnesses.

And then I think about the people of Tacloban and the Visayas and the Cebu area - and Coron, Palawan... the little town I went to back in 2010. It was beautiful, and was in the path of the storm. And I know.. it no longer exists as it used to. Gone is the wooden pier restaurant my family had drinks on as the rain came down softly on the ocean around us. Gone is the center market where families had collected to make their days earning. Gone is the internet cafe that I found my brothers and cousin in so often for their hankering for a game of WoW. (Yeah, they're in a beautiful place and they found a cafe to play...)

And while with loss comes new beginnings, such as, babies being born in the midst of all around. Unfortunately, the aftermath of getting relief to these people is a constant struggle. With corrupted politicians and desperation in place of hunger, thirst - the survival mode to live, I can not urge you more to help donate what you can to people you know who will get these relief efforts to those who need it.

And while I hide my hurt with blatant humor from how heartbreaking it is to hear about loss, I will still carry on holding thoughts and prayers close to my heart because it's all I can offer being more than 5,000 miles away.

RIP to those who lost their lives in Yolanda.
Blessings to those who are now fighting to survive.
Prayers to those who need it.


and last but not least,

RIP to my grandmother who helped raised the amazing mother I have. Without her and her sisters, my mom wouldn't be who she is... and I wouldn't be me without them.

Love thy country... even if.... I have other opinions about the way they carry their media.

Bullying.

Bullying is a very sensitive subject to many.

Everyone understands the idea of bullying. Be it, repeated name calling, picking on someone, teasing someone in a hurtful manner, doing anything to hurt someone else is an act of bullying.

However, bullying isn't just physical. It can also occur verbally. And while others believe "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me...," the truth is, sometimes the scars and bruises from sticks and stones may heal but mentally the words said, the blows felt, the mental pain will forever leave a sting in the heart and mind of that person.

I can't say that I'm not a bully. I say things in a sarcastic manner that does hurt people's feelings... even if I don't mean to hurt someone. Unintentionally, the words I do say sometimes hurt other's. And that is something I know about myself. It is precisely why I tried to curb and handle my anger. My words get the best of me sometimes. And in those moments of anger, I don't mean it... but those words sure do sting. Like hell.

But then there's the people who believe they aren't bullies and say things purposely to hurt someone. They say things knowing it will provoke a reaction from others. Provoking some type of reaction from someone using words in a negative manner is a type of bullying. And usually, those hurt the most.

Saying words intentionally shouldn't be used to provoke reactions.

It's just one of those things people haven't learned to understand or fail to comprehend. Some are just plain ignorant about it. No matter what, words can be hurtful - and the pain that accompanies it can be longer lasting than physical pain. Both physical and verbal pain attribute to mental exhaustion. This mental exhaustion drives people to sometimes self harm. There really isn't an "easy way out."

Being a bully is being a bully. And while I can apologize for how my blunt and sarcastic demeanor can come off as rude and mean, those who intentionally say stuff to hurt other's can honestly go fuck themselves over because accidental quips are EXTREMELY different than intentional ones.

So right now while my sister continues to degrade my being with her words, I will continue to go on. I'll tell her to "fuck off," and become in trouble for using such language. I'll tell my mom how it is to have to listen to her talk to me like that, and I will hear how I'm being such a brat for not wanting to stand down.

I will not stand down to bullies.

I will continue to be rebuked for my harsh and inappropriate language.

I will continue to hear the words about how I am such a brat for not wanting to deal with someone's bullshit or replying with a sarcastic quip. (Because text cannot interpret sarcasm.)

And I will continue to listen to how I can't do anything right with my life, how big of a disappointment I am since I haven't finished school, and how I cannot contribute to financial situations because I quit my job after my mom asked me to so I can focus on school but I still suck because I can't help pay for anything but stay in more than $25,000 in debt  (and still incurring) for trying to obtain a degree that's only making me more depressed than happy as days go by only to have to sit there and handle it.


If there's something I do know and understand how to handle on my own without feeling like complete, utter shit, it's cutting off toxic relationships from trying to hanker a control of my life. AKA good riddance to your filthy self until I feel like talking to your bitchasses again because fuck you I can deal with not talking to stupid, pretentious fucks for all eternity.