Bullying.

Bullying is a very sensitive subject to many.

Everyone understands the idea of bullying. Be it, repeated name calling, picking on someone, teasing someone in a hurtful manner, doing anything to hurt someone else is an act of bullying.

However, bullying isn't just physical. It can also occur verbally. And while others believe "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me...," the truth is, sometimes the scars and bruises from sticks and stones may heal but mentally the words said, the blows felt, the mental pain will forever leave a sting in the heart and mind of that person.

I can't say that I'm not a bully. I say things in a sarcastic manner that does hurt people's feelings... even if I don't mean to hurt someone. Unintentionally, the words I do say sometimes hurt other's. And that is something I know about myself. It is precisely why I tried to curb and handle my anger. My words get the best of me sometimes. And in those moments of anger, I don't mean it... but those words sure do sting. Like hell.

But then there's the people who believe they aren't bullies and say things purposely to hurt someone. They say things knowing it will provoke a reaction from others. Provoking some type of reaction from someone using words in a negative manner is a type of bullying. And usually, those hurt the most.

Saying words intentionally shouldn't be used to provoke reactions.

It's just one of those things people haven't learned to understand or fail to comprehend. Some are just plain ignorant about it. No matter what, words can be hurtful - and the pain that accompanies it can be longer lasting than physical pain. Both physical and verbal pain attribute to mental exhaustion. This mental exhaustion drives people to sometimes self harm. There really isn't an "easy way out."

Being a bully is being a bully. And while I can apologize for how my blunt and sarcastic demeanor can come off as rude and mean, those who intentionally say stuff to hurt other's can honestly go fuck themselves over because accidental quips are EXTREMELY different than intentional ones.

So right now while my sister continues to degrade my being with her words, I will continue to go on. I'll tell her to "fuck off," and become in trouble for using such language. I'll tell my mom how it is to have to listen to her talk to me like that, and I will hear how I'm being such a brat for not wanting to stand down.

I will not stand down to bullies.

I will continue to be rebuked for my harsh and inappropriate language.

I will continue to hear the words about how I am such a brat for not wanting to deal with someone's bullshit or replying with a sarcastic quip. (Because text cannot interpret sarcasm.)

And I will continue to listen to how I can't do anything right with my life, how big of a disappointment I am since I haven't finished school, and how I cannot contribute to financial situations because I quit my job after my mom asked me to so I can focus on school but I still suck because I can't help pay for anything but stay in more than $25,000 in debt  (and still incurring) for trying to obtain a degree that's only making me more depressed than happy as days go by only to have to sit there and handle it.


If there's something I do know and understand how to handle on my own without feeling like complete, utter shit, it's cutting off toxic relationships from trying to hanker a control of my life. AKA good riddance to your filthy self until I feel like talking to your bitchasses again because fuck you I can deal with not talking to stupid, pretentious fucks for all eternity.

Things I Should've Said Tonight

Maybe I should do this regularly. Quite often, I find myself in some situations where I actually do bite my tongue and hold my words. But when I do sometimes I wish I just said it rather than holding it in. In this society, there may not always be a time and place for everything... but there is a time when holding your tongue is the "mature" thing to do.

Now I put "mature" in quotes because it's all about a personal perspective. To bite one's tongue, roll with the punches, ignore the haters... whatever. I don't know (half-sy sort of don't care...)

You know, I don't always make the best decisions. Life is to be lived and in college, some kids really hold to that. If you met me two years ago, I barely made it through the week sober. If you saw me last year, you wouldn't think I drank nearly as much as a I actually have.

In all honesty, I am a self-proclaimed alcoholic socialite. I drink on occasion, off occasion, when I feel like it, when I don't, when I'm uncomfortable, when I'm comfortable, and I admit, sometimes when I'm set as DD, a shot or two is my limit because let's face it, drinking and driving is a terrible behavior that should never be done.

And then I wait like 3 more hours and take care of the ass-shit throwing their guts up or passed out on the couch just so I have an excuse so another bottle or spout doesn't come my way... all the while I am again, guzzling a water bottle.

So here it is, on a Monday night, with a class at 8AM.

Things I Should've Said Tonight (if I didn't already yell it out loud):

1. Fuck you
2. I don't fucking care what you think.
3. You're a prick.
4. It's okay that you forgot my name but right now I just don't give a fuck about you.
5. Have fun, live a little.
6. Your drugs are pungent.
7. I know you're gay and I'm cool with that so please don't get mad when I tell a guy (who is also gay) that he wants a dick in his mouth. Face it, we could all use one.
8. No, I'm not lesbian.
9. Why the fuck are you touching me.
10. Why the fuck are you talking to me.
11. Girl, you are gonna be a shitshow in 5 minutes... but I don't care.
12. Girl, are you okay cause you are borderline shitshow and I do actually care.
13. Boob sweat is one of the filthiest feelings ever. But don't scoop me unless you want your dick dunked through your balls.
14. In Joe's words... "LET ME BE GREAT."
15. You need to put on some clothes. I do not appreciate seeing your junk all over the place. Wrap it up.
16. I'm not really drunk. I just hate boob sweat and people think I'm drunk so there. *nipple pinch*
17. I need like 5 more shots to actually be drunk right now. And I fucking hate boob sweat.
18. You're a bitch! (with a smile on my face.)
19. Just because your dick was in my mouth once doesn't mean I want to keep seeing it.

and I probably said this once or twice tonight, but fuck:

20. Shit happens.


p.s. I may have happened to leave the party early... but it's still going... it's "only" 2 AM.... well fuck.