Flick the bean?
Beat the meat?
Polish the pearl?
Beat it?
Jerk off?
Kill a kitten?
Have a tug of war with cyclops?!
Okay. So the last two weren't really on my list of what people call masturbation... but they were just WAY too off for me to not include. There's more people call masturbation but let's just not get into that just about now.
Instead, let's talk about masturbation. Personally, I feel gross even just thinking about. But for the sake of enlightening and informing you, let's get on with it.
Now boys, I can't really say I know what I'm talking about here. I have tons of guy friends and guy cousins and brothers but to say that I talk about masturbation with them would be an absolute lie. And ladies, if you think I have a damn clue what I'm talking about, uh, I honestly don't because I find it grody. And yes, I just used the word grody. Don't ask why, I just feel dirty. But if you enjoy it, then so be it.
So no, I am in no way an expert or doctor on sex or masturbation or anything like that. Anyways, masturbation is completely natural. Just as natural as sex is. It is a human urge to "feel good" right? True. I know.
I can't tell you just how many times I've heard about guys in college or in high school getting caught for jacking off. It's a little easier for ladies to get away with because they don't have to sit there with lotion or a sock or lube or anything looking as if they're violently beating the crap out of their vagina. No, ladies have it farrrrr easier.
For men, they've got socks, lotion, tissues, pillows, and a mess.. Maybe a blowup doll. There's always the shower but face it, guys like to let out a little moan every once in awhile so it's kind of inevitable. Giving themselves a little hankypanky with their hands slathered in lotion until the cream shoots out into a whatever it may be happens. Just please guys, wash your hands afterwards.... and your laundry. Don't really need to see crusty socks if one comes over to visit your little sex shrine bedroom.
For ladies, oh ladies, we've got it far more easier... and more expensive. Ladies have dildos, vibrators, shower heads (pressure), penis shaped food, pillows, and their fingers... maybe their hands... wide set vaginas. (Hah.) And all they've got to do is stick it up there or flick around and play around cause if you're old enough to know what I'm talking about then you already know what you're doing. Same with you guys.
But let's talk about getting caught for a minute... because I know people get caught... and I know people get embarrassed. But for the love of God if your friend tells your girlfriend or boyfriend that they caught you then for fuck's sake, don't push them down to the ground ready to punch them in face. Honestly, everyone gets horny and I don't know about you but at least they're doing something about it before they attack you and your face later that evening. Then again, it could lead up to something fun later. In that case, maybe you should talk about that topic if you're already having sex. And if you're not having sex, then don't feel obligated to not masturbate if you get horny because um, blue balls kills and a throbbing vagina isn't so pleasant either.
If you get caught, shrug it off, cry about it in your own time - like in the shower, don't let it own you. Shit happens. And there's probably going to be things far worse than that that can happen. Trust me. No, I've never gotten caught masturbating. But I know people who have. And all they can do is throw their head into their hands and whine. And you know what, BEING HORNY IS SO NATURAL THAT I DON'T CARE IF YOU GET CAUGHT BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU, the person who catches you already knows what the fuck you're doing and probably has done it themselves so no shame. Oh but also I don't know how the humiliation feels so sorry. But here's a hug (hug) and go off and feel better. You good? Good.
And how do you know if you're horny? Um, a good indicator is if your dick is hard and if your vagina is sweating in it's own fluid. Okay? Okay.
I guess the moral of this is, if you get caught masturbating, don't sweat it. Really. Just don't. Go on with your life because you will live and something else will happen.
And by the way, if you're a boy, it's probably not the first time you're caught. At the ages of 3 - 7, young boys have a tendency to figure out their male anatomy and hump shit so there's a 100% you've unconsciously masturbated in front of someone and have been caught. I know because I've had a 3 year old rub his dick against my knee and tell me it felt good. Needless to say, I shoved that sucker off and told him not to do that to people. (Even if I secretly wanted to punch him in the face for using my knee for a little self hankypanky fun. No.)
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